backtomyheydays

How I have missed you all..;

My computer is STILL broke, but I found time today to sneak onto a different computer. Here are some quick updates:

I have gained 4pounds and am now at my heaviest at 142pounds. (My healthiest, strongest weight was 108lbs when I did lifting and running competitions and ALWAYS ate healthy so imagine how I feel 34pounds heavier)

My hunnie and I fixed everything after 6hours of not talking, but we are still a little broken.. I feel like he is starting to love me less and less… which he says isnt the case, but I can feel it. .

I almost got a puppy yesterday for Cody to have a buddy. But I have to wait until I move out of here and find a bigger place.

I am 90% done with my Christmas shopping (I’m crazy, I know) and am looking forward to finally spending a Christmas season with my Frankie… this is the first time since I met him that he will not be in a show, rehearsing every single night so we can finally do christmas season things that NORMAL couples do, especially because we live in Chicago where there are a TON of things to do..

I don’t know what to do with myself.

I have officially been a vegetarian for 3months now and I still love it. I don’t even crave burgers or turkey or anything. And my sister in law is also vegetarian (has been her whole life) so thanksgiving wont be that strange at all! I’m looking forward to mashed potatoes, buns, salad/veggies, and a pasta salad made by me! ; )

I’m bringing my computer to my fathers house today (he works with computers) and I hope he can fix it so I can get back to updating every day and reading all about everyone else…

But guys, seriously, 142 may not be awful for some that have much larger goals, but this is VERY unproportional to my petite, 5′2 frame and tiny features. I need to fix this…

Sick.

Frustrated.

Feeling Fat.

Computer completely dead. Died about 6days ago. Using someone elses for this second.

Made boyfriend leave. He made a huge mistake. Tried to turn it around on me. It’s been 2hours. Don’t care if he doesn’t come back. He probably won’t.

Trust me on this one.

Even if he does.. don’t know if I can forgive him.

This may be the end of our 3 year relationship. He will move out and I WILL keep Cody pup.

Ladies, I haven’t had much time to post because I have been BUSY this week.. Im having allergy and sinus issues this week, so I have been trying to get to bed early, and rest a lot. I am also doing a TON of redecorating! We knocked the wall down to make out living room bigger last weekend and this weekend we are fixing up the walls, painting our dining room, painting our bedroom, and hopefully starting to paint the room where the wall got knocked down.. Lots to do in our place. ; )

Food this weekend could have been better, but I am not budging on the scale….seriously. Not even by 1/2 a lb. I think it’s been 2 or 3 weeks now..

Well this upcoming week will be another crazy one, but hopefully I will have time to ACTUALLY update… until then!

Hey guys I’m still here, I promise. Don’t have a lot of time to write, but here are the top points of the past few days:

 -Knocked down a wall w/Frankie to make a larger living room.. now we have a ton of ’spackaling’ , painting, and rearranging furniture to do.

-…Which means I get to re-decorate!!! (Love it!)

-Ate pretty awful yesterday.

-..but did a ton of heavy lifting, kicking, punching, pulling, and ripping while getting that wall down and moving furniture.

-We have no food in our house! HAVE to go shopping so I can SEE healthy choices.

Thats about it! I’ll update in more detail later.. going to read some blogs!

When I got home from work today and checked my E-mail, my heart dropped. I read all of your blog comments. You guys made me feel so much better. I’m so lucky to have such great buddies to help me keep my head on straight when the going gets tough. It was great to hear imput and suggestions as well as to hear that I’m not alone in feeling like this. .

Remember how I said that my earrings make me feel pretty and I don’t even feel like wearing those?… well listen to this: Today I went to work and was greeted with smiles and hugs from the kids and their mother. They were in such good spirits today. In the afternoon when the twin boys nap it’s usually “Special Time” for the 4year old girl and I. Some days we go somewhere special, some days we do art projects, and some days we just sit together in silence and enjoy the day. Today we were sitting on the couch together, chatting. She told me about ballet, and how they did the “Congil” dance “where everyone holds onto eachothers tushies and dances in a line” we shared a laugh. She continued on about ballet, and school, and her friends, all the while twirling my hair and playing with my headband. All of a sudden she stopped. “Jacqueline, where are your earrings?” She said. She caught me off guard. A four year old noticed that I wasn’t wearing any earrings. “I decided not to put them on today.” I said. She gave me a sad look. “Can you wear them tomorrow? If you don’t want to put them in, you can bring them here and I will do it for you. I am very gentle.”

My heart melted.

If a four year old thinks I should be myself, I should. : )

You guys know I am positive 90% of the time.. and lately. Not so much. I have been so depressed lately. And only about my body, self image, and image to others. All on a physical scale. I have been having reaccurring dreams about when I was fit and little. They are not motivating dreams, they are nightmares. Like taunting me. You don’t have self control like I did. You are fat compared to me. Don’t you dare wear a form fitting outfit- you look awful. I wake up and see that my formal self is trying to tease me into making good choices. ::sigh::

How frustrating. You guys, I am seriously in a rut. I used to be so girly and cute and spunky. I don’t know what happened.  I am hiding behind big sweaters and jeans that don’t fit. I don’t even blow dry my hair anymore. I barely do my makeup. But I do still wear my earrings. I think that’s what’s saving me from going crazy. My earrings. At least they are pretty and everyone loves when I wear them.

I am sad. I am frustrated. I feel like I am trying and not getting anywhere. I feel like I am not trying enough. I have all these mixed emotions. They are awful. Somedays I wish I wasn’t with my boyfriend so I could just be alone with Cody pup and figure everything out. I decided to have a girls afternoon lunch.

In November sometime I am inviting 20 girls (only 4-6will actually show up, I know them) to my house for a lunch/Mary Kay party (my best friend sells Mary Kay and I thought it would be cute for Christmas gifts) and I am going to be happy, darnnit! I need to be around my girls. I need to validate who I am, where I came from, and who I want to be. Om. I have an Om symbol tattooed on my right wrist. Most people don’t know, but each loop and line means something in an Om symbol and in the end it means beyond meditation: What was, What is, and What shall be. Remember who you were and where you came from, and use it to become who you want your future self to be. I think my friends (new and old) will help me see it. They are just busy all the time that I never see them. Some of them are still in school and this will be the only time they are in the state.

I am crossing my fingers you guys. I really need some motivation, and support right now.

So I told you guys that I ate breakfast at 7:30am and lunch at 9:30am… lol… so here’s how the rest of the day went:

On my way to work I grabbed an iced soy mocha, with half the amount of choc syrup. I got to work and fed the boys lunch. No food for me. Then throughout the day I didn’t snack at all. I had a small glass of simply orange OJ, and about 5pringles. Then when the mother and father left for their anniversary date I made the kids homemade mac n cheese with strwberries and start shaped bread with a little butter (their fav). I waited until Frank got there with my veggie sandwich from Subway as planned! He also brought chips and pop. Oh well.  I figured I did well all day that chips and pop wont kill me with my all veggie sandwich. I may or may not have reached all my calories… let’s review:

Breakfast: Cup of Apple Cider 1/2 slice of whole grain toast with cinnamon

Lunch: 1 1/2 Little Samosas (just 130 cals) and a salad with kale, spinach, collard greens, sprouts, celery, cucumbers

Snack: A handful of Pringles, and a glass of Simply Orange OJ

Dinner: 6inch sub with american cheese, lettuce, cucumbers, black olives, green pepper and pickles with a rootbeer in a soft drink cup with tons of ice, and a bag of chips.

Not so bad, huh? I guess I probably did reach my cals, thanks to pop, oj, and apple cider (probably adding up to about 450cals- YIKES!)

But hey! Not so bad! Hopefully tomorrow will be just as good!

Yeah.. I did.

Breakfast was eatin right after my last blog, around 7:30ish. I wasn’t very hungry but had a glass of apple cider and a slice of whole grain toast with cinnamon.

Then I just finished eating ‘lunch’ (because I dont want to eat lunch at work– too much junk!) I had a small salad with spinach, kale, collard greens, cucumber, sprouts, and celery. I also had 1 1/2 samosa (Potato and peas in little pockets) The samosa was only 130cals so I did add a tiny bit of all natural french dressing to my salad.

I’m bringing some nuts and an apple to work in case I get hungry before Frankie comes over with my veggie sandwich. I REFUSE to let today get to me. I WILL not let yesterday bring me down. The hardest part after a bad day is getting through the next day with no junk. Seriously I have to cut out ALL junk the next day or I wont be able to control myself.

Here we go!

Today is the mostly likely 14hr work day. I don’t have to be there until 10:30, but couldn’t help but to wake up at 6:45. I wanted to sleep in so bad, but my body is too used to waking up early. Yesterday I got the flu shot- not the H1N1, but the regular flu shot. The lady I work for paid for it. I’ve never had one before, but now that I am working with really little kids and baby due in January, I was alright with it. (Their mom asked me if I wanted it, but didn’t push it) Now today my entire arm feels bruised. Gross. I didn’t know it would feel this awful. I feel like my arm has been trampled on. : /

But it’s 7:27 and I haven’t eaten breakfast yet- I’m just not hungry yet. I looked in my fridge and freezer to decide what to eat for lunch an I can’t decide- The only options I have in the house are chocolate chip waffles, indian potato triangles (samosa?), stuff to make grilled cheese, bagels, and salad. I don’t really want a salad because I’m having a veggie sandwich for dinner tonight… grr.. what to do this morning. I will not make a rash decision. I am going to think it out before I go wild. ; )

Frankie is coming to help me with the kids tonight, and he’s bringing Cody pup with. It should be a nice, fun [long] night. I refuse to eat junk today. No Combos, no chips, no cookies. NONE! ; )

Grr.. today was BAD. I really thought I was going to do great, but I think PMS is kicking in and I couldn’t control myself. I didn’t run, but I as very active with the kids. But that doesn’t matter when you eat a mini bagel with a tiny bit of fat free cream cheese, and Simply Orange OJ for breakfast, 1/2 an individual bag of cheese COMBOS as a snack (Their mommy bought it for the kids, they didn’t like it, and she gave it to me.. I was so hungry and we were out and I ate it like crazy), then for lunch I had maybe 1/2 a cup of pasta with marinara sauce, a capri sun, glass of choc milk, glass of oj, a ‘GoGurt’. (Yogurt in a convenient package for on the go) Later I had 1/2 a bag of popcorn and some pringles. When I got home I had a 5inch inividual  cheese pizza (I added Spinach and fresh garlic) and about 10 candy corns.

WTF?! You guys… I have no idea what happened. I seriously have not eaten like that in WEEKS, maybe even months! I mean, the thing that has been stopping me from losing weight has been my high intake of carbs and low intake of exercise, NOT junk food- ESPECIALLY after going vegetarian. (I’ve been eating WAY more veggies and less ‘junk’) I am so embarrassed. I feel like shit. No joke. But I was like “I can’t tell them! I can just keep it to myself.” NO! I need to proclaim to the world how I messed up today. Bad.

Tomorrow is a new day! A new, LONG day. It’s the mother and fathers anniversary and I will be staying late to watch the children and put them to bed. Instead of starting at 8 like usual, I will be starting at 10:30 (and probably staying til after 10:30 pm) so you know what that means? I will be eating breakfast at home and an early lunch at home or on the way (HEALTHY) and Frankie will be dropping off a veggie sandwich for me for dinner. I will also be running or biking (depending on my knee) for a minimum of 45minutes in the morning- I would do more but I don’t think I would make it through the day. ::Sigh::

So that’s it- My confession.

Tomorrow is a new, healthy, fresh day. [Without Combos, and other junk..]